You can find additional stories, articles, tips and guides on our blog or in our resources section. Or, please contact us, anytime, with questions. Skip to content. Celebrating 40 Years of Compassionate Care! Always approach the person slowly and quietly so as not to startle them. Introduce yourself with a quiet voice. I would like to sit with you for a while. Start by telling the person what you are doing.
That way if the person does not like touch, they can pull away. If the person has a book or newspaper by their bed, read it aloud. If the person appears to be in and out of sleep, that is okay. They will know they are not alone. Despite my awareness of deathbed confessions, deathbed conversions and deathbed visions, it never occurred to me that a deathbed was a real thing, the actual bed one dies in, until my father-in-law spent six days in his. The deliverymen from the hospital supply company placed the rented hospital bed in his study next to a window lined with skinny pine trees.
We made it up with tan sheets and a black and white mohair blanket under which he once took naps on the couch and now he would die. When we raised the head of the bed and propped him on his pillows, he faced a wall of the books he loved, the edges of the bookshelves lined with pill bottles and mouth swabs, medical gloves and syringes. As my father-in-law lay in his deathbed, after an illness so brief his friends and colleagues were stunned to hear he had entered his last days, people wanted to say goodbye.
So in those last days, we got a crash course on how to visit the dying. I will love some of those visitors forever. Some visitors kissed him, told him they loved him, hugged us and respectfully took their leave. Others settled in, pulling up chairs to join our bedside vigil, sharing memories and news, laughing and crying with us, as he smiled if he was awake or drifted off to peaceful sleep as we talked on.
Then there were the ones who stood awkwardly by the bed, responding to our gentle conversational probes with monosyllables, seemingly unable to remember why they were there. And those who wept and clutched his hand, told us how terrible this was and how sad they were, then, when we finally got them out of the room, wept and talked some more, oblivious to anyone but themselves.
But collectively they taught us some valuable lessons:. This involves letting go of your anger and any wish to punish the person for the hurt you experienced. Since he was no longer able to respond, it was not possible to know the effect it had on him.
However, for the woman it was an important step in freeing herself from her burden of pain and anger. Expressing thanks for the positive ways the person has touched your life is a way of letting someone know of his or her lasting significance for you. It could take your relationship to another level. When your loved one is nearing death, it is important to end each conversation in a way that will be okay if it is the last time you speak. Just say goodbye in a way that lets the person know that he or she will always be important to you.
If you are leaving for a longer time and unlikely to see the person again, your goodbye may be more emotional. Say what needs to be said. Remind the person again of what he or she means to you.
Saying goodbye in a satisfying way can prevent regrets after the person is gone. When you talk with a person who is dying, you touch each other with your words. When words are no longer necessary or possible, you can still connect through touch.
You are not alone. The dying person will sense your presence and hear your voice. Print Article. Send to a Friend. Tips for Talking with Someone Who is Dying. Tip 2: If possible, be clear that you know the end is nearing Some people who know they are dying avoid talking about it right up until the moment of death. Tip 8: Touch talks too.
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